The Divorce

When the divorce papers were done I wrote in detail in the space provided on the form about the kids being denied contact with me and by this stage I didn’t know the day of the week I was loosing the ability to function mentally.  The papers came back and REGISTRAR WALSH OF PARRAMATTA FAMILY COURT WRITES AND I QUOTE. “THERE ARE CIRCUMSTANCES BY REASON OF WHICH THE DIVORCE SHOULD TAKE EFFECT EVEN THOUGH THE COURT IS NOT SATISFIED THAT PROPER ARRANGEMENTS IN ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES HAS BEEN MADE FOR THE CARE,WELFARE AND DEVELOPMENT OF THECHILD/CHILDREN.”

The court knew it was wrong they had a duty of care to my children.  They admit it will FUCK them up ie Development..And the court allows it.

The fucking court the legal system says it’s ok. 

It’s not OK … I never ever laid a hand on my kids, I was a good mum, I made baby powder bunny feet to show the Easter Bunny was really there.  

I got up at 4am when Santa had been but the bastard made 3 excited little faces go back to bed till he was ready.

My life would now be over

I was working when this happened just got a promotion.  My boss an insensitive cow just loaded me up with more n more work then one morning I’d been to my son’s school to try and talk to him… I was 20 min late I was crying quite the mess infact she went ballistic at me I picked her up by her shirt but fell short of thumping her one… I turned around and left job gone did I care no I went back to my 2 bedroom flat and didn’t come out for 7 weeks.  I had a few jobs after that one but they all had to endure seeing me attempt to destroy myself.  I can’t live without them and to this very day I still believe that.  I exist I don’t live… I live in community housing which I’m grateful for and I don’t leave to go out I’m just a person who is so dead on the inside I can’t be around people.

When is over over

We all try to stay together for the kids for the materialistic things.  I truly deeply loved my ex husband I wasn’t ready for it the I’m not in love with you anymore line.. Looking back now it’s unlikely he ever was.. falling pregnant unplanned then before u know it married, this was not the life he wanted I know that now. 

Not totally blameless as a typical wife in the suburbs who at some point in time cared nothing of her appearance, I did always work full-time still no excuse, self esteem in the toilet, overweight, externally very unattractive as the marriage continued on its decent of demise I became internally unattractive as well, rude, a bitch all the time and I never gave my husband what every husband partner needs intamacy and yes u got it sex.. men have to have i, it’s apart of who they are and I can 99% assure you of your not giving it to your man he is getting it from somewhere and how I know this will come later.  No matter how big or small you are every woman is sexy in her own way it comes from the inside not sexy lingerie and heels.  I found this way after my marriage was over but it will never benefit me as my life became numb when he took my 3 little ducks away.

In the beginning

I had a great childhood, sure mum and dad fought doesn’t everyone.. But the things I remember most clearly mum and dad both worked hard, my dad was a bit of a grumpy bugger and mum worked night shift so she was always tired.  My brother and I never went without.. My dad thou always home for dinner and we are as a family it’s a fond memory, my ex husband was rarely home for dinner and why should I question the why maybe I should of but I was always where I wanted to be at home with my kids, being the mum I always wanted to be. I put the bandaids on invisible wounds, I counted how many peas had to be eaten before leaving the table, I would read bedtime stories, I would wipe snot from their noses with my hand, I taught them to tie their shoelaces, brush their teeth, the list could just keep going, my daughter never called me mummy it was Mumma she would hold onto my trousers and have one finger up her nose as a toddler because she was very shy and only wanted me.  

Shayne, Zac and Georgia 

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

My 3 little ducks are my children Shayne, Zachary and Geogia.  Divorce hit me hard but not as hard as a man I had known for 20 years a man I would later find out had other women throughout our whole marriage, a man who said he never wanted children a man who would always say u wanted them u deal with them.  Often referring to my oldest child as idiot or stupid. This man was also motivated by boys toys and money his child support bill was alot he would then do the unthinkable my children brainwashed, they walked out my door one day telling me they loved me to telling me they never wanted to see me again. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday my daughter made the call.

I was in shock I remember the tears Rolling down my cheeks. This was 6 years ago it’s destroyed me in every way.  It’s the first time I had heard the word narcissist, it was then I knew I had been living with one for almost 20 years, the dictionary definition described my ex husband perfectly and I never knew.

He has gone on to remarry have another child.  I went on a road of self destruction the pain was just intolerable, I would of preferred a diagnosis of cancer at least there is medication for the pain.