When is over over

We all try to stay together for the kids for the materialistic things.  I truly deeply loved my ex husband I wasn’t ready for it the I’m not in love with you anymore line.. Looking back now it’s unlikely he ever was.. falling pregnant unplanned then before u know it married, this was not the life he wanted I know that now. 

Not totally blameless as a typical wife in the suburbs who at some point in time cared nothing of her appearance, I did always work full-time still no excuse, self esteem in the toilet, overweight, externally very unattractive as the marriage continued on its decent of demise I became internally unattractive as well, rude, a bitch all the time and I never gave my husband what every husband partner needs intamacy and yes u got it sex.. men have to have i, it’s apart of who they are and I can 99% assure you of your not giving it to your man he is getting it from somewhere and how I know this will come later.  No matter how big or small you are every woman is sexy in her own way it comes from the inside not sexy lingerie and heels.  I found this way after my marriage was over but it will never benefit me as my life became numb when he took my 3 little ducks away.

In the beginning

I had a great childhood, sure mum and dad fought doesn’t everyone.. But the things I remember most clearly mum and dad both worked hard, my dad was a bit of a grumpy bugger and mum worked night shift so she was always tired.  My brother and I never went without.. My dad thou always home for dinner and we are as a family it’s a fond memory, my ex husband was rarely home for dinner and why should I question the why maybe I should of but I was always where I wanted to be at home with my kids, being the mum I always wanted to be. I put the bandaids on invisible wounds, I counted how many peas had to be eaten before leaving the table, I would read bedtime stories, I would wipe snot from their noses with my hand, I taught them to tie their shoelaces, brush their teeth, the list could just keep going, my daughter never called me mummy it was Mumma she would hold onto my trousers and have one finger up her nose as a toddler because she was very shy and only wanted me.  

Shayne, Zac and Georgia 

First blog post

This is the post excerpt.

My 3 little ducks are my children Shayne, Zachary and Geogia.  Divorce hit me hard but not as hard as a man I had known for 20 years a man I would later find out had other women throughout our whole marriage, a man who said he never wanted children a man who would always say u wanted them u deal with them.  Often referring to my oldest child as idiot or stupid. This man was also motivated by boys toys and money his child support bill was alot he would then do the unthinkable my children brainwashed, they walked out my door one day telling me they loved me to telling me they never wanted to see me again. I remember that phone call like it was yesterday my daughter made the call.

I was in shock I remember the tears Rolling down my cheeks. This was 6 years ago it’s destroyed me in every way.  It’s the first time I had heard the word narcissist, it was then I knew I had been living with one for almost 20 years, the dictionary definition described my ex husband perfectly and I never knew.

He has gone on to remarry have another child.  I went on a road of self destruction the pain was just intolerable, I would of preferred a diagnosis of cancer at least there is medication for the pain.