I can’t explain it, other than I think my lights gone put

It’s been weeks and I can’t find the light, this being my internal light. I’m worried for me now but not scared cause I have always known how it would end especially when it got down to having zero family, zero friends. For 10 years I’ve got myself through this but I’m getting older, my 3 little ducks are getting older they now fill the shoes of two men and a woman I see them grow and change through social media it pains me to read of certain family celebrations and or milestones I can’t mentally and now physically cope with the pain, hurt, anger, imagine spending 10 years trying to understand knowing you never will.

I have to go into someone else’s light I know this is where I will find peace, I don’t need to say it my children they know how much I love them and miss them.

Here I go again

The last few months I’d worked really hard to get me to that place where I could see light at the end of the tunnel, for sure the alienation from my children would always be there and along with it the hurt but I was sure I’d found peace and was able to not blame myself for another persons cruel intentions.

Well didn’t last long stuck in bed Valium bottle in hand I’m right back where I was indescribable sadness, you can feel it eating you alive, then you have people say oh forget them of course this person is incapable of any kind of empathy.

My children adults now they know how much they are hurting me the ex has a lot to answer for maybe that’s what will give me some gratification.

MILESTONES, CELEBRATIONS & THE FAMILY

As an alienated mum I dread life’s milestones things like the kids birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day etc. Memories flood in some make you smile others make you sad for the rest of my life happy times will always be a constant reminder of my children but also a constant reminder of my pain.

Then there comes celebrations these are the things I’ve talked about they are a list of things that I would do my hardest to prepare for this was tested for real on the weekend.

A news report which featured one of my sons had him initially with some work friends then toward the end of the report it watched my son walk over to people in the crowd and he be holding a beautiful baby girl I was happy at the time then all those things I had tried to prepare myself for I couldn’t even think then just as quick I was overcome by inconsolable sadness and the realization she was my granddaughter and I may never know her name and I may never get to hold her.

All these milestones, celebrations and a constant ongoing calendar a ferocious circle.

Is it possible for the pain to ever go away, for me it’s still excruciating so I doubt it.

I know it’s been a while but I was so tired

I want to say hello to those people who have helped me thru this indescribable ordeal and to thank those who may walk into my world.

It’s officially 10 years for me this year not something I favor bragging about nor was it on my “when I grow up” list, but it’s a major part of my life its defined my mind and my heart and left me with great sadness, but at the same time I am a strong woman, a survivor.

Mentally the last 10 years have been tough, diagnosed with Complex-PTSD, depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and hell a bunch of other things and rightly so given what the NARC put me through, THE GASLIGHTING, ALIENATING MY CHILDREN, HOMELESSNESS, SEXUAL ABUSE AND MORE. He constructed a group of the worst people that society has to offer sat back and watched them destroy me with the intent that I took my own life, everyday for 10 years I still ask why and I get the same answer CHILD SUPPORT he was required to pay $2500.00 a month there was no way in hell that was happening.

To all those mums and dads fighting this evil please stay strong, never give up, remember we are all in this together.

THE TRUTH ABOUT MY TRAUMA

Firstly my diagnosis is complex PTSD and DELUSIONAL DISORDER

Being constantly stuck in my own head trying to process various aspects of my TRAUMA but instead of processing I was actually reliving various traumatic experiences I would be frightened, paranoid so I would often self medicate to stay asleep day n night a fucked life right. Then I found a place where there was no trauma a happy place, a safe place the way life should be. A delusional world in this delusional world my 3 children would be beside me we would laugh and talk my god I would even make dinner and set the table for the 4 of us sometimes I would stay in the deluded world for a day with the longest being a couple of weeks. I WILL TELL YOU I WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF MY OWN DELUSIONS, don’t confuse this with imaginary people because although aware it was very much real.

My psychologist is an amazing lady her and I both knew I couldn’t allow the deluded world to continually be the place of which I believed was the only place I could be truly happy.

This week I have started EMDR THERAPY

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an interactive psychotherapy technique used to relieve psychological stress. It is an effective treatment for trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It was exhausting I have approx 10-15 traumatic events to be treated and each one is done individually, I decided to start at the very beginning the day my then 11 year old baby girl phoned me to say they never wanted me to contact them again without explanation she hung up the phone. My negative belief at the start of the session was “I SHOULD OF DONE BETTER” The positive belief at the end of the session was “I DID THE BEST I COULD”

Let me tell you this true story I WAS AN AWESOME MUM, AND WITHOUT DOUBT I DID THE BEST I COULD.

I’m back to share my story

When laying in bed in the wea hours I see that my son is typing me a message on messenger, I almost fell out of bed. What I would read would have me almost hysterical, crying so intensely, shaking the message would tell me that we cut you out of our lives because you were sick, that would be mentally sick, fucking oath my husband of 18 yrs tells me he can’t Live with me anymore which was code for sorry I’ve been fucking someone else for the last five years I’m moving on, I’ll backtrack 10 years and can say honestly this fucking had been going on for even longer than that. My kids at the time were 16, 13,11, what knowledge with they have on a person having a breakdown, absolutely zero and give and I was the only parent for them ever, I can hear my ex husband say ” your mothers crazy” Oh one day I’ll show the bastard crazy don’t you worry about that it’s a promise to myself.

He then went on to say how amazing the stepmother is how much is like his father and that I would hate that you will know I don’t, he has now joined the ROYAL AUSTRALIAN NAVY He’s a man but They still hate me because I fell apart.

Children don’t do this on their own accord, Dean Anthony Williams and Sharon Williams of kellyville NSW you should be disgusted…. And me I’ll survive what choice do I have those that know me know I’m no quitter and I not only want to see karma wipe the smug look from its face as per recent photo, and or the day one may need bone marrow or a kidney…..