My friend .. A dedication to Gary Bauer

I met Gary in January of this year at the Hader Clinic in Queensland.

Gary treated everyone the same regardless of Age, race, sex, to Gary it mattered not.

We would sit opposite each other in class and Gary next to Travis the both of them together well I was always laughing , Gary’s smile would not only light up a room but it was infectious and he was one of very few people who could make me feel good about myself.

Gary suffered from Depression/mental illness…but he and I had one thing in common Gary’s fight to see his little girl took its toll on him as it has all of us , and I’m sorry but FUCK IT WHY ISNT OUR COURTS FIXING THIS BULLSHIT CAUSE NOW THIS IS WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME.

To the Bauer Family the smile that lit up the room will now be the star that lights up the sky.. To Gary’s little girl your dad loved you to infinity and beyond.

Gary, God speed

Love You

Someone once said Diana things will get better with time, how wrong were they!!




I can’t explain it, other than I think my lights gone put

It’s been weeks and I can’t find the light, this being my internal light. I’m worried for me now but not scared cause I have always known how it would end especially when it got down to having zero family, zero friends. For 10 years I’ve got myself through this but I’m getting older, my 3 little ducks are getting older they now fill the shoes of two men and a woman I see them grow and change through social media it pains me to read of certain family celebrations and or milestones I can’t mentally and now physically cope with the pain, hurt, anger, imagine spending 10 years trying to understand knowing you never will.

I have to go into someone else’s light I know this is where I will find peace, I don’t need to say it my children they know how much I love them and miss them.

Here I go again

The last few months I’d worked really hard to get me to that place where I could see light at the end of the tunnel, for sure the alienation from my children would always be there and along with it the hurt but I was sure I’d found peace and was able to not blame myself for another persons cruel intentions.

Well didn’t last long stuck in bed Valium bottle in hand I’m right back where I was indescribable sadness, you can feel it eating you alive, then you have people say oh forget them of course this person is incapable of any kind of empathy.

My children adults now they know how much they are hurting me the ex has a lot to answer for maybe that’s what will give me some gratification.


As an alienated mum I dread life’s milestones things like the kids birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day etc. Memories flood in some make you smile others make you sad for the rest of my life happy times will always be a constant reminder of my children but also a constant reminder of my pain.

Then there comes celebrations these are the things I’ve talked about they are a list of things that I would do my hardest to prepare for this was tested for real on the weekend.

A news report which featured one of my sons had him initially with some work friends then toward the end of the report it watched my son walk over to people in the crowd and he be holding a beautiful baby girl I was happy at the time then all those things I had tried to prepare myself for I couldn’t even think then just as quick I was overcome by inconsolable sadness and the realization she was my granddaughter and I may never know her name and I may never get to hold her.

All these milestones, celebrations and a constant ongoing calendar a ferocious circle.

Is it possible for the pain to ever go away, for me it’s still excruciating so I doubt it.